FAQ

20Mar10

Q: Aren’t you a bit old to be doing this?

Yes.

Q: So you’re going to stop then?

Not a chance.

Q: How much sleep could you possibly getting with your schedule?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Q: Do the girls I’m dating know about the blog?

I get this one a lot, and it boggles my mind.  “Hey baby, check out this blog where I dissect your every flaw and talk about my interest in all kinds of women that aren’t you.”  Come on people.

Q: Have you run into a girl you’re dating while you’re on a date with another?

No, although it’s bound to happen.  Bel Air isn’t exactly the biggest town.  At least it should make for a good blog post someday.  That is, if I don’t get knifed.  If anything happens to me, please alert the authorities that the suspect’s name will be on this blog somewhere.

Q: How do you keep all of these women straight?  Remembering your conversations, how many siblings each has, what excuses you gave them for postponing dates, etc.?

Excel is a wonderful thing.

Q: Oh, so you think you’re Tucker Max?

I’ve never read his book but I’m aware of the basic gist of it.  My thought is that his may be more of an R-rated version?  Plus I’m just writing from my own experiences.

Q: How much of what you write is actually true?

100%.

Q: Are there no good guys left out there at all?  I thought that you were one of the few good guys, but now after reading some of the things you write, I realize you’re a pig just like the rest of ‘em.

Nope, we’re all pigs, only the extent to which we show it differs.

Q: What if I want to date you?

I get this one all the time too, usually right after the previous question.  As long as you’re comfortable being immortalized on here, we might be able to work something out.

Q: Have any of these scorned women keyed your car?

No, but it’s a short matter of time.  On one particular first date, a girl confessed she has keyed four cars.  4.  There was no second date, but I’m sure she is running my license plate and looking up my address as I write this.

Q: What are you looking for in a woman?

Through this “journey of self-discovery” we’ll call it, I’ve realized one thing.  I tend to have no problem with a little bit of crazy (or even alotta bit of crazy).  But through our texting, if the girl types “your” when she should have used “you’re”, spells “too” with only one O, or heaven forbid, uses the incorrect form of their/there/they’re, she’s out.  See?  I have standards.

Q: Your writing style is so unique.  Hilarious, intelligent, thought-provoking.  Surely you must have received some type of English or Journalism degree from an Ivy League institution?

You’re too kind.  Seriously though, thanks.  And no, I was an Engineering major.

Q: I actually completely disagree with the comments from the previous question.  I think you’re a stupid, pompous asshole.

Each person is entitled to their own opinion.  It’s just that yours is wrong.

Q: Isn’t this type of lifestyle expensive?  I would have figured the cost of all of these excursions would add up.

You would figure correctly.  When possible, for first dates I try to target a lunch or drinks as opposed to a dinner or activity.

Q: Isn’t this highly stressful?

Absolutely.  Having this blog exist for one of these women to potentially somehow stumble upon it adds even more.  And I love every minute of it.

Q: So I could totally screw you over is what you’re telling me?

Just send me your address and requested blackmail payoff and I’ll have the check sent out shortly.

Q: You don’t post often enough.

Ok, that’s not even a question, you’re just lashing out.  But I see your point.  In all fairness, I don’t have a ton of time for this between my other activities.  More importantly though, any type of sustained relationship with one of these women could throw a serious wrench into the blog’s future.

Q: Well don’t screw it up by going and getting in a relationship then.

That was my plan entering into all of this, but you can’t always control that sort of thing.

Q: What are you saying?

I’ve been spending more time with one girl in particular, yes.  But I still have a backlog of material I’ll be adding shortly.  From there, we’ll have to see what happens.  I could always blog about American Idol instead – that would be just as good, right?


The Break-Up

15Mar10

Sunday afternoon, I get a text from Jamie.  If you recall, she is the girl I was out with the night before for drinks and dancing (yes, dancing).  She wants to go see a movie in a few hours.  Besides the fact that I had a date lined up for that evening with Ashley, I had already been leaning towards ending it with her.  Since she “just didn’t want to get hurt,” it was only going to get messier, and I honestly didn’t see things going too far with her.  I reply and tell her I can’t.

By the time Monday rolled around, I had made up my mind: no more Jamie.  But, how to end it?  My thought with a 4 date stint was that it didn’t require an in-person break-up, but at the very least, a phone call or text.  But what do I go with?  I’ve met someone else?  I’m really busy with work and school and just don’t have the time?  Your dating profile picture was deceitful?

I consult my personal dating advisor.  Now, for those of you that know this person (which realistically is all of you at this point), you would say that this was my first downfall.  “What the hell were you thinking?”  “She is the Anti-Christ.”  “All of her personal and professional relationships are the epitome of the word ‘dysfunctional.’”  All plausible thoughts that might enter your head.  So at her request for anonymity, let’s just call her “Susan.”

“Susan” advises me that I should just employ the ignore technique.  For me, this sounds fantastic, but I realize it would be a pretty schmucky move.  But it WOULD make things incredibly easy.  I give a half-hearted rebuttal: “Don’t I owe her more than that?”  “Susan”: “You owe her nothing.  What could you possibly say that would make the situation better?”  Me: “Nothing, I suppose…”  “Susan”: “Exactly.  She will get the picture eventually.”

Ignore technique it is.  Maybe I just won’t hear from her again.  Monday closes.  That was easy.  Tuesday rolls by.  Wednesday.  I’m livin’ the dream!  Thursday.  4:17 pm.  “Hey u, how’s ur week been?”  Shit.  Of course it was too good to be true.  Well, here goes nothing.  And by nothing, I mean literally nothing.

Well that should at least buy me a couple days of peace and quiet.  Six hours later: “Is everything ok?”  Ok, I’m going to be getting some more of these.  The next morning: “Hey…haven’t heard from you, not sure what’s going on, hope to hear from you soon…”  Now I’m feeling pretty bad.  I should say something.  Anything.  I touch base with Susan (err, I mean, “Susan”).  “Susan”: “NO!  Stay strong!”  Alright, I’m going to play this one out as you wish.  The next night, Saturday at 10:50pm, another text: “Haha imma b drunk already.”

At this point there’s no going back.  But I do take the time to reflect on the logic that led me down this path to begin with.  “What could you possibly say that would make the situation better?”  In other words, I don’t want to see her anymore, and there’s really no way to candy coat that.  If I say something like “I’m really busy with school and work” or “I’m not looking for anything serious,” that just gives her a loophole to say “That’s ok, we can take it slow!”  If I say something like “I just want to be friends” or “there is someone else,” that will only hurt her more.  But by that same logic then, couldn’t I have just skipped out on breaking up with my previous girlfriend of six years?  Granted, the ignoring thing might have been a little awkward when we’re both sitting in the living room eating dinner, but it would have made things far easier.  Or maybe this logic doesn’t apply when you’re living with someone, but what if you’ve been dating for a year?  6 months?  Clearly the line has to be drawn somewhere.  Advice is welcome, as I imagine this will come up again.

Update: 6 days later, Friday, 3/11.  I get one more text from Jamie.  Hmmm… well I technically don’t have anything lined up for tomorrow night.

Come on!  I couldn’t possibly be that low, could I?


Crazy 8’s

11Mar10

A few things from that same weekend I forgot to touch on.  On Friday, I sent my first text to Kristina.  Wait – what am I doing contacting NEW women when I have way too many I’m already juggling?!  Now, I know what you may be thinking at this point.

Look, she contacted me first, ok?  It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t at least hear her out.  Besides, I’ve weeded out a few from the pack already and likely will have a few more drop out over the coming week.  And Ashley will be moving any day now.  To top it off, Kristina told me that she would be out of the country for the next 10 days anyways.  So I might as well keep a healthy pipeline, right?

Then, the Saturday night date with Jamie, while we’re out at the bar, my phone is blowing up. 

I was told to add pictures?

I’m getting texts from Amber (haven’t been on a date with her yet but we have one coming up for the next Friday), Ashley (apparently she misses me already), and, drumroll pleaaase…..

Elisa.  I still haven’t met this chick but continue to remain very intrigued.  Text reads, “R u up.”  I’ve had one phone conversation with her, and a ton of traded voicemails and texts, and then I get this out of the blue at 12:30 am.  Hmmm…  So I’m sneaking in replies whenever I can.  Jamie goes to the bathroom, I send a flurry of responses.  Now I need to go to the bathroom.  More responses.  So I send a text back to Elisa: “Yea!  I’m out in Canton though.  Whatcha doin?”  Her: “Drivn bak from my show u should meet me in cockeysville.”  Interesting choice of abbreviations, but an even more interesting time and place to meet for a first date.  Now I’m racking my brain as to how I can possibly get out of this date with Jamie.  Quick, think of an excuse of somewhere I absolutely need to be for some reason all of the sudden at 12:30 at night on a Saturday.  That’s not going to happen.  Maybe I’ll just disappear.  No, I drove her here.  I’m not THAT big of a DB.

Looks like it’s not going to happen tonight, sorry Elisa. 

But then she calls me Sunday afternoon.  Of course I somehow miss the call, but it’s for the best because I would have had to think of an excuse on the fly – not one of my strong suits.  She wants to meet up for dinner in a couple hours.  Come on – I need a little bit more of a heads up than this!  So now I have to choose between Crazy Ashley and Crazy Elisa.  I did just see Crazy Ashley on Friday night (helping her with the move and all), and with her leaving the state, I’d be foolish to hang out with her over Elisa.  Naturally then I keep my date with Ashley.  I’m kind of liking this girl. 


Nice little weekend last weekend (still playing catch-up here).  4 dates were had.  Friday night was with Ashley.  Before our first date, she had told me she was supposed to be moving to FL on March 1st.  She informed me last week though that she actually would be moving into her parents’ house here in MD for 2 weeks before heading down to FL for good.  Great, more QT.  And yes, I fully expect FL is a ploy to either move in with me, make me not judge her barren apartment, or most likely, steal my identity and life savings. I’m not lying when I say 3 separate times she has “joked” about me kidnapping her and keeping her here in md.  I’m so in love.

So we were supposed to grab some dinner Fri night, and then maybe a movie or something.  Well, she calls me up around 5:30 with a really depressed tone in her voice.  I have no idea what kind of bombshell she is about to drop on me; given the way she is acting, I’m expecting her dog died (or perhaps something much crazier). 

She instead tells me she still has so much to pack and she wasn’t sure if she could go out.  “No problem,” I say.  “We can just meet up tomorrow or Sunday.”  Meanwhile, I’m hoping she doesn’t say tomorrow because I’m already double-booked (yes, I’m using that term).  She throws this out there: “Or you can just grab some pizza and beer and come over to hang out with me while I pack.”  Quick pro and con check flashes through my head.  Pro: I like pizza.  Con: What if she asks me to help her move?  Pro: I like beer.  Con: I’m probably going to have to help her move.  Pro: It will be a cheap date.  Con: If I’m just watching her pack, it will be a boring date.  Pro: I’ll be at her place, if you catch my drift.  Con: I’ll be at her place, if you catch my drift (she may chop me into 1000 pieces).  “Sure, that sounds great.”

Then she mentions: “I hate to ask this, but how would you feel about my mom coming over to help me pack a few things too?”  This actually works out perfectly because if you’re going to eventually meet the parents, why not knock it out on the second date?  Ok fine, I should turn around and run in the opposite direction.  But what would be the fun in that?  “Not a problem, tell her to come over.”

I head over, and boxes and clothes and trinkets are everywhere.  This might take longer than I had hoped.  We sit down, start eating some pizza, she begins packing some stuff.  Maybe mom won’t show.  But then a knock on the door.  Oh well.  Good news though – it’s Mom AND Dad!  Am I supposed to propose now?  Even better, Mom isn’t in the best of shape, and Dad is like 60+ easy.  Looks like I’ll be lugging some boxes downstairs.  Which I do.  Mom says I’m welcome to visit anytime in Florida.  Lovely.  Well at least I now know the FL story wasn’t a complete lie, unless her parents are in on it too (entirely possible).

Fast forward a bit, the parents leave, we just stay in and hang out at her place.  God, this girl talks a hundred miles a minute.  Why do I like her again?  What’s wrong with me?  At this point, it’s getting pretty late.  3 am.  4 am.  Ok, now we may have a problem.  I have a date the next day at 12.  I’m not really sure if Ashley’s hoping or expecting me to stay over, but if I do, making it to that date is going to be dicey.  I’m in White Marsh.  I need to drive 30 min north to my place, shower, get changed, and then drive an hour south to Columbia to meet Julie by 12.  That means I’d need to wake up and scoot out by 9:30 or so.  That would involve coming up with an excuse, and then me probably botching it and getting caught in said lie.  Luckily at this point, the dog barks and wants to go for a walk.  We go outside, walk him for a bit, and then I use the chance to head home.  It’s 5 am.

I won’t go into nearly as much detail on Saturday and Sunday.  I got a few winks of sleep and made it in time to meet Julie by noon on Saturday.  She was a bust.  We hugged goodbye, start heading to our cars, and just when I’ve almost made it, for some reason, the last words I say are “Maybe we can do it again sometime.”  She says, “Sure, that would be great!”  Why did I say this?  I already knew I didn’t want to see her.  Going our separate ways might have made it clear enough, but yet I blurted out the words.  Ah well.

Saturday night was my date with Jamie.  This one’s our fourth.  I’m not crazy about her, but we have had a decent time when we’ve gone out.  I hate to give her one of the primetime slots at this point (I do in fact equate my dating schedule with TV programming), but no one else was available.  We go out, have fun, head back to her place, and then she drops the “I really like you, I just don’t want to get hurt.”  Aww crap.  I really didn’t think it would get to that point so fast.  Well I’m pretty sure I don’t feel the same way about her, so now I need to figure out how to cut bait on this one.  And then there were six.  4 dates doesn’t require an in-person break-up does it?

Sunday during the day was actually some me time for once.  Forgot what that was like.  Sunday night – back to Ashley.  Dinner and a movie.  Much less eventful, but still fun.  At the end of the night, she reveals that instead of 2 weeks in MD, it is now actually 3 weeks.  Hm, suspicious?  Maybe I’m just imagining this crazy thing after all.  She’s pretty cool.  She asks “So when can I see you again?”  I have so much schoolwork due this week it isn’t even funny, but you only live once.  Me: “How about tomorrow?”  Her: “I can’t do tomorrow.  I’ll be at the shooting range.  I love revolvers.”  Ok, she’s definitely crazy.  Even better that she knows how to wield a deadly weapon.  Me: “Ok, let’s meet up on Wednesday.”


So let’s get the disappointing news out of the way: I didn’t meet up with crazygirl Monday night.  I knew going into yesterday that it wasn’t a definite date; she said she had a rehearsal until 8:30-9:30, so we would have to see if we would have time to meet up.  Talked to her yesterday and she said she thought she’d get out early, although I was beginning to detect some frustration or something on her part.  She ended up calling at 10:45 leaving some elaborate message about how her phone died.  I called her right back but got her vm.  I left a message, but pretty sure I mispronounced her name (how would YOU say Elisa?)  So that one may be cooked. 

Luckily, I may have found an equally crazy substitute.  During my first phone conversation with this girl Ashley, she casually mentions “Oh, hey, I’m moving to Florida in two weeks.”  I should use this as an opportunity to further whittle down from the number 10.  But I’m not going to let myself off the hook that easily. 

Ashley may actually be clinically insane, so it should come as no surprise to you that I like her.  She’s weird, but at least in an intriguing way.  She used to be in a rock band, plays guitar and sings, is trained in classical piano, snowboards, rock climbs, cave dives, engages in illegal daytrading (yes, she told me this), has a masters in forensics, frequently goes to AC to play poker and all kinds of other random stuff.  How does she have the time for all of this?  My only explanation is that she is a pathological liar. 

We had a good time at Boordy Vineyard.  We hung out a little bit after too, so I ended up cutting it way too close to the Sun night date with Katie.  This two dates in one day thing is definitely going to bite me in the ass sooner rather than later.

Katie was ok.  I had higher hopes for her, but I think after Ashley this girl just seemed a little too, what’s the word I’m looking for… normal?  She does spend 1.5-3 hours at the gym every day, so at least I have her healthy figure and low self-esteem issues going in my favor.  Given my early penchant for crazy, perhaps I have some issues of my own.  So I may see her again, but I’m on the fence.


Given my late start to this, I’m writing a lot of this retroactively right now.  Out of laziness and memory-loss, I’m fast-forwarding through much of it.  My first date from the site didn’t go so well, but I made a lot of rookie moves and learned from the experience.  The next girl I met went much better, but I wasn’t so interested in her.  We ended up going on 3 dates, but I didn’t follow-up after that.  There were a couple others that also didn’t really work for me.  This sounds good right?  10 was a ridiculous number, I know.  It’s just not manageable.  We’ve weeded out a few of them.  The problem is I’ve had others contact me in the meantime.  Would the reasonable person say “I’m sorry, I can’t date you, I’m too involved right now”?  Or should I just ignore them and re-contact them at a later point in time once I’ve explored the current possibilities?

The point is moot.  I told you I’m writing this retroactively, remember?  Pay attention.  Of course I contacted them and set up more dates.  And then came the first sign of trouble.  Thousands of pitchers have pitched a few innings of perfect baseball, but to go the full 9 innings is truly rare.  The sheer volume was bound to catch up to me.  I received the following email from one girl that was particularly cute and had offered me her phone number.  I had been meaning to call her, but just hadn’t had the time.  She wrote:

“Don’t worry, I’m no longer pursuing anything, just wondering if you could answer a question for me, educationally, so to speak. If a guy is on a dating website, I’m making the assumption that he eventually wants to meet the girl. So once a few emails have transpired, (in your case quickly and responsively) it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me to throw a number out there to take out some of the tediousness of emailing back and forth. Was your objection that I threw my number out, and you think only guys should do that, or something else? I’m honestly just curious (being in the field of Family Studies and relationships and all;)~”

I’m quite the catch, so logically I understand her anxiousness to hang out with me.  But it had only been 5 days – not a ridiculous amount of time.  This girl might have a screw or two loose.  This type of red flag scares the hell out of guys.  For me, what the hell – what’s the worst that could happen?  Well, other than her gutting me like a fish while I’m sleeping.

Apparently she’s pretty busy too.  Either that or she feels the need to keep up an equally busy persona to offset her rocky start.  Therefore, a bit of time passes with us being unable to set up time to meet.  At this point, it’s like a Tuesday, and I’m booked up for the weekend.  Thankfully her theatre group is performing throughout the weekend, so I’m safe.  We tentatively line up time for Monday night.


Hi.  Let me start with this – I won’t pretend like I’m going to do a good job of keeping up with this blog thing.  Commitment isn’t my strong suit to begin with.  Couple that with my fulltime job, traveling a ton for work  (it’s been 2-3 days a week for a few months now), my part-time MBA program (I have class every Tues, Thurs, and every other Saturday), and my current social schedule I’m keeping (which I’ll get into shortly), and there isn’t much “free” time left over.  I know, cry me a river. 

So why bother?  While some of it might be the attention whore part that lives in us all, I’m going to chalk some of it up to actually helping me keep my thoughts organized (which I definitely need right about now).  I’m not going to circulate this widely for now, so chances are most of you already know all of this and some of the other stuff that is to follow.  I’m not really interested in posting this to my FB page or anything given some of the material, but you can certainly pass it around if you like (for example, maybe one of your friends needs to know that someone else’s life is more of a disaster than theirs right now).

What is going to be the content of this blog?  Well, it could be anything (I don’t want to necessarily restrict myself), but there is one particular topic I’m going to be focusing on.  A quick background first.  I’m 29.  I was dating the same girl for over six years.  We broke up October 2009-ish.  We had some great times and I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything.  But I had never really enjoyed the single life as an adult on my own and I figured that that was something I needed to do for myself before eventually taking that big plunge.

So here I am.  Being 29, I’m not exactly a spring chicken, but I think I’ve got a few good years left in me.  I went on a few dates last year, but I decided I wanted to accelerate things a bit.  Late December, I joined a dating site.  It’s one of those sites where you can’t actually search for people’s profiles, so thankfully you can stop your search to use it against me at a later point in time.  Unfamiliar with how these things work, I decide to try a small sampling.  I send out four emails to women I find pretty attractive.  I wait a day, two days.  Nothing back.  Ok, no biggie.  I find four more, and send them emails as well.  A day goes by, then another.  Still nothing.  That’s fine.  Hey, it’s a numbers game.  I send out 10 emails.  Now if this doesn’t work, I might have to seriously reevaluate my standards.

An email comes in.  Sweet!  It’s from the first batch of four I had sent out.  That makes me feel a little better.  Then another email comes in – also from the first batch of four.  Alright, maybe I wasn’t giving myself enough credit.  Confidence is building some.  Then another email.  Also from the first batch of four.  Shit – this could be a problem.

Long story short, I’m dating 10 people.