Exception 1


Sometimes knowing where to start the post is the most difficult part, especially considering that I’m writing about something that happened 2 months ago.  Do I start with “Ashley” (we’re going to continue with that being her name for consistency’s sake) showing up at my place for our 3rd date with a shrimp salad sandwich her mom made for me?  That would nicely highlight the ridiculousness of how fast our “relationship” progressed.  Or do I fast forward to early on in the date in question when we’re at the comedy club and Ashley helps herself and houses some chicken fingers the people at the table left behind?   Maybe I talk about the spectacle we created on the dancefloor at the bar afterwards.

Let’s just skip all of that and get to the juicy part.  I take Ashley back to her house, and by her house, I mean her parents’ house because she has moved back in with them as of a week ago.  I make the turn into their place and drive down to the back of the house (it’s a pretty long driveway) and put the car into park.   We weren’t quite ready to part ways yet, so, how can I say this… we proceeded to “engage in a heated political debate.”  Naturally with such intense discussion, you can get lost in the moment.  At one point, I look out my car window and thought “I don’t remember it being that windy.  Why are the trees swaying like crazy?”  Weird.  But I can’t let this distract me from the discussion.  Then I feel the car jostle a bit.  “Wow, it must be REALLY wind – waaaait a minute.  We might be moving.  Shit – we’re moving!”  The car was quickly rolling down the driveway.  The “jostle” was the car transitioning from driveway to lawn.  In the most indescribably quickest reaction time of my life, I grab the wheel, yank it to the right and pull up on the emergency brake.  Whoa – that could have been worse.

Alright, guess I’ll just drive back to where I was, drop her off and get the heck out of here.  I drop the parking brake, put the car into 1st, and start driving.  Strangest thing though: I don’t appear to be going anywhere.  This is a problem.  I gun the engine.  Not even budging.  One of us is going to need to get out to try to push this thing and I’m guessing it isn’t going to be her.  Oh, and also of note: it was pouring.  And Ashley doesn’t know how to drive stick.  What more could you ask for?

I give her the quick 30 second lesson.  Hold down this pedal called the clutch, put this thing into what we call 1st gear which is up and to the left, then fun the gas while slowly letting off the clutch.  Easy!  I get out of the car and am basically already drenched before I get to the rear of the car.  I push, she does a pretty good job of revving the engine…and the car goes nowhere.  It’s only 2am, I’m sure her parents don’t mind the sound of squealing wheels in their front yard.  “Gun it more!” I yell.  She does, I push.  Nothing.  Rinse repeat about 10 more times.  Fuck.

I get back into the car.  “Do you have any type of wood or two by fours I could try to prop under the wheels?”  Her: “Maybe – here are my garage keys, you can go check.”  I run back to the garage.  Yea, this rain is pretty terrible.  I unlock the garage door and step inside.  Some alarm begins beeping.  That could be a problem, but I’m just going to ignore that.  I actually manage to find a two by four!  After a little more hunting, I find a wooden square of some sort.  Perfect.  I run back to the car, place them under the wheels, and we try again.  And: still no luck.  Not really sure what to do next, I return the two pieces of wood to the garage to contemplate the plan of attack.  I notice that the “wooden square of some sort” turns out to be a portion of a kitchen countertop.  Ashley informs me that her parents were planning on remodeling the kitchen before putting the house up for sale.  No matter, the mud and skid marks will give the house that rustic look that’s so popular nowadays.  We decide to take her car and go back to my house for the evening and just deal with the problem the next morning.

Wait, you couldn't get your car out of that? No, no I couldn't. Wanna fight about it?

And the next morning inevitably comes.  Damnit, this is gonna suck.  We drive back to her place, park, and go in.  She says hi to her dad.  So do I.  He asks why a car is in his front yard.  She mentions it was dark and it was hard to see where we were going.  He’s just staring.  I don’t think he bought it.  But it was so believable!  He speaks.  “It’s ok.  But you’ll come back and plant seed on my front lawn you tore up.”  Guess I’m coming back to plant seed.

But for now, I’m getting the hell out of here.  Right after this fine gentleman from AAA helps me.


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